Well guys, I've missed yah. I've missed writing on my silly blog and poring my heart and soul out to the blogger world....:-)

Since the divorce, everything seems to somewhat be good at one minute and then the next, it's a mad house. My emotions are constantly being tossed back and forth, always having uncertainty about where they could possibly land. Seems that the decisions that were made are questioned by everyone who isn't even involved and judgement is being passed by all. I'm hearing rumors going around about my so called "partying" and "taking advantage of things". No one knows what I'm truely doing or going through, other than my family. It hurts....Badly. I work just about everyday, bound and determined that my parents aren't going help me. I've received no child support because apparently to him, it will cause "resentment" towards me. My house has holes busted through the walls because of drunk parties that he's having there. My babies are my absolute #1 priority.....they're my world....they are the reason that I'm here on this earth. If I can take care of them; feed them, love them...then I can do anything.

I have gone out 2 times since the divorce.....and it wasn't clubbing. The times I did go out, they were in his (their daddy's) care because it was his weekend. I've NEVER left my babies out home so I can go out and "have fun". They come first, and they will always come first!! I believe that a momma that's working full time, (a job all night, then has 4 kids throughout the day) with 2 babies to take care of alone deserves some "me" time with friends. And if anyone has a problem with that, then that's their problem to carry, not mine.

I've learned several things throughout this process. #1. Blood always prevails. It doesn't matter how hard you try to do the right thing or how much love you still carry, blood always prevails. Even if the blood is in the wrong. #2. In hard times, colors will always start to show. You never truely know anyone until you've been to the bottom with them. If you can hit the bottom and their still with you as a friend, then they're the real deal. #3. It doesn't matter how matter how hard you try, you're never gonna be able to please everyone. Someone is always going to have an opinion about you. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The things things that I've learned that are going on with my ex kill me. The girls, the guys, places he's going, the things he's doing. I feel like someone just took a knife and stuck it in my gut and just keep twisting it. It hurts and it sucks. He's so happy to be single and he just let us go. I have a bad feeling that something's going to happen; I just can't quite put my finger on it yet.

One of things that really hurts throughout this whole thing is Heidi. No body knows her. They don't know how she's doing, accomplishments that she's making, that she's just starting to giggle and can almost sit up by herself. She doesn't even know her daddy. Thank the Lord that I have the kind of father that I do. He's absolutely amazing. Brooklyn and Heidi worship him. Everytime I'm home Brooklyn always seems to be missing. When I find her, she'll be under the big haul truck with Papaw helping him fix it or out on the 4-wheeler helping him hay the horses. I always prayed the the Lord would have a wonderful father figure for them to look up to that would give them a high standard to place on the men that comes into their lives. And God has provided. What I didn't realize is that God brought me back to him too, so I can have a standard. So I can see how a wife is suppose to be treated and loved. Its funny how God works. I know that my daddy will be the one that fills in that gap until I meet someone. Then, I feel like that man that I meet is going to be the girls father. I heard someone say one time, "Do you want your kids to marry someone just like your spouse? If so, than that is awesome...you have an awesome thing. If not, than you need to step back and really examine your situation." That statement really made me think. It's true. If you can honestly say that you don't want your kids to marry the someone just like the person you're married to, then there's a problem. And something has to change. Because the person you're married is the one that sets the standard for your kids. I hope my girls can look at me one day and say "Thanks mom. Thanks for showing us how it's suppose to be."

So, to all those who are some what "involved" in this situation, if I've done anything to hurt you and make you think a certain way, I'm so sorry. I've never had any bad intentions throughout this whole deal and never plan to. I know that there are always 2 sides to every story and you're going pick one side, and that's ok, but I'm not going to keep trying because I have to move on. It's the only way I can come out of this.

If anyone is reading this blog that's going through a divorce, let me know. It's hard. It seems like the only people you can relate to are the ones who are walking through it as well, or have already walked through it. I'm here for anyone that needs someone.

I love you all.