Bitter-Sweet Days

Yesterday was a very bitter-sweet day for me. Yesterday was my little girl's birthday. She's the big 4!! I wrapped her gifts the night before and sat them all out neatly for her to wake up to in the morning. The morning of her birthday, I was up when the sun came up...and Heidi and I went down stairs in eager antisipation of her awakening. We waited and waited and finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go wake up my little dreamer so she could come and see the presents I had gotten for her. She tore into them and loved every one. As a mother, being able to light up your little one's world is one of the greatest gifts in the world!! That evening, I bought her some rainbow cake mix and her and Memaw made homemade rainbow icing. We had a blast!! These were my sweet moments of my day...

Yesterday afternoon, the bitterness came in. Yesterday, Brandon and I both signed our papers. When I arrived at the bank, my nerves were getting the better of me and I was shaking like crazy. But, I had to be strong, so I walked in and tried to make it seem as though it wasn't bothering me. We picked up blue pens and signed our names, officially releasing each other of any more obligations to the other. I could feel the tears trying to come, but I pushed them back, bound and determined that he wasn't going to see me cry. We said our goodbyes, and once the keys turned on the car the tears flooded me. I was so overwhelmed by grief that I couldn't bear it anymore. That was it; I've never felt so alone in my life. All I could think about was running to him to hold me, but that wasn't an option for me anymore....so I sat there alone. I cried the entire way home....when I thought that I had no more tears, more came to overwhelm me again. I sat in the driveway for 10 minutes sobbing uncontrollably; then it hit me, we signed our papers on the day that our little girl turned 4. The little girl that is one of the huge reasons for our marriage to begin with. So, I cried even more, until I looked up and saw that pretty little four year old staring in my window smiling!! I knew it was going to hurt, and I knew that I was going to be sad....but I had no idea it would be like this. How do you move on? How do you get through this? Everytime I think about it, it just breaks my heart that much more! I don't know what he thinks and I don't know how he feels. I wonder if his heart hurts as much as mine does, or is it easier for him. I do know however, that as much as it hurts now and as alone as I feel, God is here with me, and He always has been, and He's healing my heart and building my character.

I love you all.